Gift of the gab
by lady of the wilds
Summary: Paul tries to teach Ruth how to curse like a pro. Takes place after Ruth loses her faith and agrees to join the gang. rated T for bad language.


_**AN: **__Just been watching Paul and I absolutely loved it! :) Paul is just the cutest alien ever and funny a hell so I wanted to help fill out this part of the site. It stupid with no real point but who care, its all just a bit of fun Right? Anyway I don't own Paul or anything thing to do with the film. (though I wish I did) :(_

_Gift of the gab_

_Okay, so what had he learnt in the last few hours?_

Well firstly, humans faint_ a lot _when they get a shock. Secondly, kidnapping was surprisingly easy in a country where _anybody_ could own a bloodily big gun. Thirdly, teaching a human to curse was actually very hard if not amusing.

Although he did have to give the girl points for her enthusiasms. Every other word coming out of her mouth was something inappropriate.

Now, he wasn't an expert, English of course being his second language, but if there was one thing he was good at was being what some humans would call a wise ass. And he was proud to say he had got the art of cursing down to a t.

And now it was his responsible. No, his duty to teach this newly converted human how to curse. Which is how he ended up sitting crossed legged on the sofa in a runaway R.V with Ruth Buggs watching him closely and weaving slightly from side to side thanks to the R.V motion and just a little bit of alcohol. This in time he would also show her how to do properly. If she was going to learn the artful language then she was going to learn how to get good, steaming drunk.

Behind him Graeme sat in the passenger seat watching the pair of them with interest. As an adult human male Graeme was wise in the ways of swearing so he would be able to back him up when it came to the more filthily words.

Clive was the current driver, having been the only one not to touch a drink at the moment (much to his disappointment).

"Alright lets get this thing started. Are you ready Ruth?" Paul smiled to the eager women in front of him.

"Hell yes!"

"Okay first off, I know to you 'hell' is properly a bad word but its just too… tame. So in future I want you to replace the word 'hell' with 'fuck' . Got it?"

"Fuck yeah!" Ruth shouted a little to loudly for what would be considered a normal, sober volume.

"See, much better then hell."

"Um… Paul." Graeme interrupted from his seat in the front. "do you think it was a good idea to give her that beer before we started?"

"What? She fine. Aren't ya babe?"

Ruth swayed drunkenly back and forth with a happy tipsy grin plastered on her face. "You bet your fucking ass I am."

"Nice." he smiled approvingly. Ruth was taking her first taste of alcohol very well and it seemed to agree with her. Of course having never tried the stuff before or built up some form of tolerance the one bottle of suspiciously strong beer was going straight to her head. With some funny results.

"Alright now Ruth how would you described the gentleman behind him?." he pointed over his shoulder to Clive who was trying his best to concentrate on the road and ignore the goings on behind him.

Ruth learned around Paul's green shoulder to get a better look of the back of Clive head. "Well I'd say he's a big, stupid moron."

"Hey!"

"Relax Clive she doesn't mean it. She just practising that's all."

"Well pick on Graeme. In case you've all forgotten we're currently on the run with a alien, a kidnapped ex-christen and some FBI fuckers and one very pissed off bible worshipper chasing us so please leave me out of your little games."

The R.V fell silent for about two seconds before everyone chipped in in helping Ruth extend her vocabulary.

"Asshole."

"Dickhead."

"killjoy."

Clive took it all in his stride and smirked at the lot of them. "You lot are so immature."

"This coming from the guy who pissed his pants when he first made contact with an exterritorial life form." Paul stated with good humour.

"That wasn't out of fear or anything, I really, really needed to go to the bathroom. Tell 'em Graeme."

"Yeah he really needed to go." the man mumbled into his hand.

"Ooookay… anyway back to the topic. Now while 'big stupid moron' does have its… charms it isn't really insulting."

"Speak for yourself."

"Ahem… as I was saying, ya need to be a bit more aggressive, a bit more… instantaneous. Here watch how me and Graeme do it."

Paul shifted around in his seat so that he could get a good look at the man now facing him who had an equally stupid grin plastered on his face.

"Hey man move your fucking head, I can't see shit out the window with you in the way."

Graeme grinned, not in the least bit insulted, and responded with the first thing that came to mind.

"Get lost mother fucker this is my seat. You want to look out of the window then get off your lazy ass."

Paul laughed and gave the man a high five. "ya see, its all in the attitude."

Turning around again Paul faced an empty seat that only moments ago had housed the slightly drunk Ruth.

"Hey Ruth where'd ya go girl?"

Man that girl could move quickly and quietly when she wanted to.

"Um… Paul?"

Paul turned his large head at Graeme who was pointed towards the space underneath the couch he was sitting on.

Carefully he repositioned his body so that he was now kneeling on the sofa on his hands and knees peeking under the dusty sofa.

Underneath Ruth was laid fast asleep with her bottle of beer in one hand and another bottle clutched closely to her chest. She was muttering slurred words (some rude, some not) with a steady stream of drool dripping onto her arm which was currently being used as a pillow.

"Well I guess that this lesson is over." he said pulling he head back up and claiming the whole couch for himself.

Graeme shook his head and downed the rest of his bottle before helping himself to another one. "I told you it was a good idea to bring her along." he grinned smugly at his alien friend.

"Yeah, this could be real fun." Paul opened another bottle himself and raised it to Graeme, who did the same.

"To being rude, inappropriate and a bad role model!"

"Here, here." Graeme cheered.

The bottles were quickly drained and replaced. The now drunk duo content to just curse and act like the idiots they were.

* * *

><p>Well… there you have it. Nothing proper, just a bit of fun.<p>

If you liked please feel free to leave a review. If you didn't like it don't review. Its that simple. Also please don't review if your only going to complain about my spelling and/or grammar. I know, I'm trying my best to improve it. Stop telling me… sorry about that.

anyway hoped you liked it and please help fill out this section of , we need more Paul stories! and if you haven't seen the movie you should. it brilliant :D


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